"I just want to go to bed and not be hassled" Nick insisted trying desperately not to lose his temper. He had enough problems as it is. He wasn't sleeping, fearing the meaning of his reoccurring nightmare, and although it was only two weeks into the tour, it was beginning to stress Nick, he needed to think about bags, and money and security and so many things that his fragile mind could not take all at once.
"Well, sorry, but I'm gonna hassle you" Kevin said shrugging and blocking the exit of Nick's room. Nick began to feel in closed, and felt his anxiety levels rising. "We all need to be on the top of our game, and we need to look out for each other. I think you should get some sleeping pills maybe" Kevin suggested lightly.
"Who said I wasn't sleeping?" Nick spat angrily, not wanting the guys talking about him behind his back. He hadn't confessed to any immediate problems. He blamed not being used to touring for his fatigue. He hoped the others wouldn't see through the cracks in his act. Kevin shrugged not wanting to reveal who it was specifically, Kevin preferred it if he were a spokesperson for a united front, not individuals. It was obvious anyway, Kevin thought.
"What does that matter?" Kevin said remaining calm and disciplined. Nick stayed silent, knowing he would regret the things he would say. Kevin held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. "Just think about what I said, don't let us down, Nick" Kevin said before saying "Goodnight Nick" and closing the door behind him. Kevin picked up his empty holdall bag and threw it at the closed door. Brian was waiting eagerly at his own door for Kevin to come back with information. Kevin merely shrugged as he passed Brian and Brian sighed in disappointment. He would have to try himself, but not tonight.
Nick felt his chest hurt and sighed despairingly, the tears already building in his eyes. Here it comes, Nick told himself calmly as his panic attack set in. They were becoming regular again, Nick hated that fact more than he hated actually having them. He grasped at the air his body was restricting from him as the panic of drowning outside of water flashed his mind. He could gutter and choke and collapse and die tonight. These thoughts made it worse, but Nick knew how he could control these small and predictable attacks. It was the severe and surprise attacks he couldn't handle. He made these smaller ones worse by thinking it would increase in intensity and become a severe attack. He creased the fabric of his pillow between his fingers and looked over briefly to the bed side table where he saw his favourite three paged story by a fan called Kyra. Her profile that came with each story revealed that she was nineteen and from California. Her story was simple but powerful. She wrote beautifully and so very detailed of how she would spend her day with Nick. The two spent their entire day in a field with a picnic and a radio. They lay side by side most of the time, watching the fluffy clouds pass over them, lighting the vibrant grass surrounding them. He would talk and she would listen, getting to know every inch of him. The most important thing about the story to Nick was that she never judged him; she embraced everything he told her and saw it in a positive light. He tried to reach for the story but couldn't unless he moved. He let his hand rest on the bed and sighed, feeling himself calm a little. "You're the only one who understands me" He confessed to Kyra through these pages.
Although she was a stranger, he felt he knew her, and she knew him very well. His breathing was returning to a somewhat coherent and rhythmical system, so he shifted his body so he could grab the papers in his fingers. He turned and lay on his back and held the pages in front of his face and began to read along in his head with the familiar words.
"Nick laid with his hands over his head, soaking up the sunshine, the grass in-between his fingers reminded him of the sand of the shore. He was relaxed and hummed along occasionally to "Sugar we're goin' down" by Fall Out Boy which was playing on the radio at the time" Nick's body released him from his anxiety stricken prison and he began to feel the grass on his back. The voice of Kyra flooded his head, though he did not know what she sounded like. "I listened to Nick intently as I felt the sun on my face. He shined as brightly here, uninhibited where he could be himself, as he did performing wildly on a stage clutching a guitar under the spotlight" An hour later, Brian gently opened Nick's hotel room door, to find him fully clothed and asleep with the story nearby. Brian smiled and nodded, glad that he had actually seen Nick fast asleep in some other imaginary place, it would be a while before Brian knew where Nick was lying on a field, next to a wonderful girl. Brian turned off the light and left the room as gently and as quietly as he had crept in just to check. Baylee had gotten up and followed him, Leighanne was asleep and Baylee looked up at his father. Brian closed the door and looked down at his son. He looked distressed and fed-up.
"Why aren't you in bed?" Brian asked, scooping him up. Baylee immediately rested his head lovingly and comfortable on Brian's familiar shoulder. "A nightmare?" Brian asked but Baylee shook his head. "No?" Brian enquired and Baylee lifted his head with tears now gently on his cheeks.
"Can't sleep." Baylee said creasing up and resting his head against Brian's shoulder once more. Brian comforted him tenderly, trying to help him relax.
They took a short walk to the elevator and back which calmed and quietened Baylee. Brian laid his sleeping son in-between him and his sleeping wife when he returned to their room and pondered over insomnia while watching his family sleep. If his son had been so agitated and upset over not being able to sleep, how would a full grown man with an intense tour schedule handle it? Much like the child, Brian thought, being the last to fall asleep.
