stood agitatedly in the elevator next to Brian counting the floors
desperately as they made their way up to Floor 15. He didn't want to
be with Brian right now. The happiness he had felt on stage had
quickly receded as the minutes passed. Brian was silent. He tried
to tell himself not to feel guilty, as he was only trying to help.
But he could clearly sense from Nick that he had crossed the line.
"He's clearly distressed…" Dr. Belkin discussed quietly with Brian
in a corner of backstage before he had left. Brian nodded along
listening to his professional opinion so quickly compiled after only
a short period of time with Nick.
"…He's clearly tired and you say he's not been sleeping…?" Dr.
Belkin asked Brian.
"Well…" Brian began. "…He hasn't really admitted it, and if he has
he's blamed being back on tour for it…" Dr. Belkin shrugged as if he
were a walking, breathing lie-detector. He shook his head, knowing
Nick was lying through his teeth and that it was a real shame. Dr.
Belkin was concerned something was going on with Nick, but he was
not so quick to assume anxiety attacks.
"…It could be something completely different…" Dr. Belkin informed
Brian. "…But I'd keep an eye out for any strange behaviour because
who knows what's going on behind closed doors if he won't even admit
to a little trouble sleeping…"
Nick knew what he was going to do when he reached his hotel
room. He would pick up Kyra's story and read it. Although he didn't
really need the papers now because he knew it pretty much word-for-
word, line by blessed line, page by supporting page. He would then
pack, and thank God for the time he could get to spend alone in his
tour bus.
Brian watched too as they ascended the floors one by one. He
wringed his hands nervously, trying to decide what he wanted to do-
was he going to try and explain himself? He wouldn't get to speak to
Nick probably till the morning and that may be too late.
"Look…" Brian began strangely confident and Nick sighed not needing
this right now. "…I just thought perhaps he could prescribe
something for you, for your sleeping…" Brian lied-he knew very well
that was not the reason he called him. Brian was sick with worry at
this moment, more than he already was. He didn't want to see Nick
wander away from them and back down the road they all had tried so
hard to retrieve him from.
"Brian I can walk into a pharmacy and pick up sleeping pills." Nick
said bluntly but calmly. "So cut the shit." He demanded. Brian
nodded and tried to contemplate what he was going to say next.
Nick let his head relax back onto the mirror in the elevator
and closed his eyes trying to handle all of his thoughts and Brian's
betrayal. He felt his chest tighten so he opened his eyes. His world
was now a blur of faded colour and shadow. He could hear his own
breathing in his ears. He turned to look at Brian but Brian had
disappeared. Nick was alone. Alone and stuck in an elevator. He
looked up trying to decipher the numbers but his head thumped and
his heart palpitated-he couldn't read. He began to frantically press
buttons trying to hit 15.
"Nick…" Brian began rigid to the spot with fear at first. "…Nick
what are you doing?" Brian said reaching forward and stopped him
pressing the buttons. Brian could feel sweat on Nick's skin and see
panic in his eyes. "Nick!" Brian said feeling panicked himself. It
was as if Nick couldn't see him. He shook him but this triggered off
Nick's laboured breathing. Nick fell to his knees barely breathing,
barely seeing. He scrambled around on the floor and began clawing at
the walls, breaking nails and drawing blood, needing to get out.
Brian grabbed him and held his arms behind his back and tried to
tell Nick that he was there that he needed to calm down. This was
the point in which Nick began crying. The elevator came to a jolted
halt and the lights went out. Nick began screaming. Brian's ears
bled with the sound of his friend's screeches.
"Nick it's alright!" Brian shouted at him, having absolutely no idea
what to do. He wanted to reach for his cell phone but he couldn't
let go of Nick, fearing he would become lost in the darkness. Brian
began to pray, but not for himself trapped in this awful situation
too. His guilt degraded his other emotions to the level of being
superfluous. If he hadn't called Dr. Belkin then maybe this all
wouldn't have happened. This was his fault. Nick's screaming stopped
momentarily and the small space fell completely silent, aside
Brian's breathing. "Nick?!" Brian asked panicked, fearing Nick had
passed out or choked or had a heart attack. Brian's thoughts were
born of panic and irrationality.
"Brian?" Nick whispered trembling and trapped in Brian's
embrace. "Where are you?" He asked desperately and clearly scared,
his tears beginning again.
"What?" Brian asked confused. "I'm right here…" Brian insisted but
Nick could not hear him.
"Brian…" Nick said again feeling more betrayed by his absence. "…
Come and get me, come and find me…" He whimpered and Brian didn't
know how to reach him and felt himself beginning to sob. He was
powerless. He was useless. "…Tell them to let go of me…" Nick said
aggressively and began to fight against Brian's clutches. Brian
grasped Nick as tightly as he could, but allowing him movement so he
would not dislocate anything. "…Tell them to let go of me…"
"Who are they, Nick?" Brian asked hesitantly wondering what was
going on inside Nick's head.
Nick knew this was hell. He had died and gone to hell to taste
the blood and pain and panic. He felt like he was on a severe drug
on the most frightening trip of his life. His anxiety had come
together to assume a physical form, and what were Brian's arms Nick
thought, was his anxiety and his pain imprisoning him in his
insecurity; chaining him up so he was finally a slave to his
troubled mind, after all of his trying and all of his struggling. He
wanted to give in, and leave himself here where he thought he
belonged and deserved to be, until he saw a light. Nick became
confused. Maybe this was the point in which he was dying. He changed
his mind when he felt the familiar feeling of the grass in-between
his fingers and the voice of Kyra; he had never heard her voice
before. He relaxed momentarily in what Nick thought was heaven.
Brian's prayers were answered when the lights went back on and
the elevator presumed to move, and Nick's eyes flashed open, hoping
that was the end but it wasn't. He could still not catch his
bearings and Brian was still missing. Brian helped Nick to stand and
let go of him gently and slowly to see if he would start again. But
to Brian's surprise he looked normal.
Nick began searching in his pocket for his room key and clutched
it in his hand nervously. Brian noticed Nick was trying to count his
breathing under his breath, trying to get himself under control.
Nick's embarrassment hadn't yet set in-he was too concerned with
getting back to the world as he knew it. A familiar noise made Nick
look up. Floor 15. The doors opened slowly and Nick forced them
apart further with his strong arms, squeezing out as fast as he
could before running down the corridor to his room. People moved out
of his way and asked him if he was OK, but Nick could neither see
nor hear them. Brian called out his name as he ran after him. Nick
fumbled at his key and dropped it. He picked it up in haste as if
his life depended on it. His eyes shifted to the once empty corridor
and saw small huddles of people watching him in shock and awe. He
was terrified. He saw Brian sprinting towards him. He felt faint as
he began to open the door. Nick pushed it open and slammed it and
locked it, keeping everything outside.
Nick felt Brian's banging on the door through his back, so he
leapt away from the door feeling the room spinning. He reached for
Kyra's story but it was too late…
