Although as he read, his mind kept drifting to Heather….from the state of the economy to Heather….from the war in Iraq to Heather….Nick decided to put the paper down, and confront his relaxing thoughts. They made him feel warm. On one level Nick knew that he was becoming attached to her as quickly as he was, because of the business with Paris- but at that moment in time he didn't care. In fact, he couldn't care less. He was enjoying the excitement of it all, and he smiled remembering how her moist lips tasted on his own. He allowed himself to reminisce in that moment as he relaxed in his chair. The world was not so bad, he thought to himself. Although he couldn't shed an overwhelming foreboding, a sense that despite him seeming happy and normal, that all was not as it seems. These feelings of dread haunted him like his reflection did in the mirror. It made him feel cold and frightened. He did not want to be hurt again. He pardoned these thoughts, and blamed his insecurities and recent out-of-control anxieties for them. He cleared his breakfast away and got dressed. "I'd say it's very quick for you to be having new love interests…" Dr. Belkin examined a few hours later. They were sat in his office, a tidy and organised, medium sized room, with three filing cabinets and a desk. There was also a sofa and a comfortable chair away from the desk. The room was a typical hospital colour. Nick found himself wondering why all hospitals were that colour. Nick felt like a mental patient lying on the sofa, but he just twiddled his thumbs on his chest as he lay, not thinking about the fact that he was seeing a shrink. "…since it's only been what a month?" He enquired.
"Yeah, or around there." Nick confirmed.
"And you were with Paris for seven months."
"Yep." Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Nick kept his answers to minimal responses.
"So how do you feel about this girl?" He asked. Nick thought for a moment about his feelings. Alarmingly, the foreboding arrived before the pleasant thoughts. This distressed him; he didn't want these anxieties to be eating away at what remained of his life as he knew it- it was of course, no ordinary life. He struggled to articulate his mind's nonsense. Nick had stayed quiet for at least two minutes as he thought.
"Nick?" Dr. Belkin called. "Tell me what's on your mind." Nick sighed.
"I get this horrible feeling that not all is how it is…you know…" He shrugged. "…how it should be, with Heather."
"Ok go on." Dr. Belkin encouraged.
"She has a boyfriend." Nick blamed his foreboding on this knowledge. "And I kissed her." "Are you concerned her boyfriend will find out?" Dr. Belkin made a few brief notes while Nick talked. He put the word "Heather" in a bubble, and drew arrows from it- writing down in points what Nick was relaying to him about her.
"I guess…" Inside Nick knew this wasn't it, not by a long shot. But he wanted to believe this was true, so he merely convinced himself. "So you have feelings for her?" Dr. Belkin asked, pausing his pen temporarily.
"I'm not sure…" Nick said rubbing his face with his hands in irritation. Dr. Belkin smiled.
"Therapy isn't easy is it Nick?" He asked sympathetically. He knew someone who had never had any problems would find therapy difficult, he knew, but had to push on for Nick's own good. Nick nodded his head in reply, as tears formed in his eyes- he was frustrated and distressed, trying to find the answers to Dr. Belkin's questions- answers he didn't even know himself. He let one escape down his cheek, and he sat up on the sofa and wiped it with his palm. He then took advantage of the well placed tissue box next to the sofa, plucking one from the top and holding it in his hands as he buried his head there.
"It's Ok Nick…" Dr. Belkin comforted but in a purely professional way. He liked Nick though. He was a good guy, caught up in a negative world. "…just try to remember that I'm here to help you. I won't judge you and the only way this works is if you're totally honest with me…" He encouraged Nick.
"I have a horrible feeling of stress and foreboding when things with Heather get intense…" Nick confessed.
"Why do you think you feel that?" Dr. Belkin asked, readying his pen again.
"Paris." Nick said, returning once again to his minimal responses "What does she have to do with this new girl?" Dr. Belkin's psychological techniques were coming into play.
"When I'm around Heather it's great, but when there's a slight indication that it's more than a friendship...I freak out…" Nick said leaning back on the sofa but not laying down. He rested one leg on the other thigh, and twitched his foot nervously.
"Why do you freak out?" Dr. Belkin pushed. "Do you still love Paris?" Nick nodded but then shook his head, before nodding once more.
"I hate her." Nick stated.
"Are you sure?" Dr. Belkin asked him to confirm. Nick took in a deep breath and let it out slowly though his lips, trying desperately to decipher his feelings and thoughts.
"I love her." Nick confessed. "But I hate what she's done to me." Nick described, tears finding his eyes once again. The full impact that Paris had had on his life was now beginning to take shape. He had thought Paris was the one. He looked down at his covered wrist. Her name called at him from under a wrist band with Mettalica written on it. He pulled off the wristband and revealed her name to himself. He then got up and showed Dr. Belkin before sitting back down. Dr. Belkin didn't look shocked. This eased the tension in Nick somewhat.
"I'm getting it removed tomorrow." Nick sat back down and placed the wristband back over it. "Well…" Nick began to correct himself. "…I'm getting it covered with something else."
"Not another name I hope…" Dr. Belkin smirked, followed by Nick "No I've learnt my lesson with that one."
"So what has she done to you Nick?" Dr. Belkin asked. "What legacy has she left behind in you?" Nick thought his question was rather poetic. However, he had to think about that one. How could he describe the pain and loneliness he felt? How could he explain the feelings of inadequacy and stagnancy?
"I feel like I'm climbing the walls Dr. Belkin. That's what she's done to me. But it's not just her. She just instigated it…" Nick took a sip of some water he had brought in a water bottle as he felt his breathing tighten.
"What else makes you feel this way?" He enquired further. Nick was an excellent client, and was revealing all the right things without knowing it. Dr. Belkin tossed his pen and clip board to the table when he noticed that Nick was breathing irregularly and was very pale. Nick's fingers gripped at the fabric of the sofa.
"Nick are you alright?" Dr. Belkin asked, removing a stethoscope from the wall and putting it in his ears. He kneeled in front of Nick and placed the circular bit to his chest. "Nick…" He said soothingly. "Why are you feeling anxious?" Nick struggled to reply. "Nick…" Dr. Belkin said again with a level of concern in his tone. "Talk to me…" He encouraged, talking hold of Nick's trembling frame to ensure he would not hurt himself if he passed out.
"I don't want to fail; I don't want to fail…" Nick whispered huskily through his laboured breaths. He felt like vomiting and his head was light as a feather and flying away from him very quickly. The last thing he remembered hearing was Dr. Belkin shouting for a nurse… When Nick came to almost an hour later, he could smell the scent of food. Rather than please him, the smell was revolting to him, and made his tummy tie in knots. He felt weak and disorientated. He forced his aching eyes open and saw Dr. Bale over him. There was a blonde nurse behind him, and Dr. Belkin was sat back in his comfortable chair.
"Can you hear me Nick?" Dr. Bale asked him, shining a torch in each of his eyes. Nick grimaced, which was a good sign. The light was too bright. He handed the torch to the nurse, and helped Nick sit up. He then reached behind him and offered Nick a plate of food, but he couldn't decipher what it was. Nick began crying.
"Nick, why are you crying?" Dr. Belkin asked, he had his clip board back in his hands. Dr. Bale held onto Nick as he cried, in the event of another fainting spell, he could hold him up. It took Nick some time to answer. His face was red, and moist from his tears. Nick was reduced to a sniffling, and wailing shattered human being. Dr. Bale nodded to the nurse. She excused herself from the room. She was young and had not yet been desensitised by the horror and madness in any hospital. She had not seen a man cry like that before.
"I want this to stop…" Nick bawled. "I want this to stop…" He said again almost pleadingly to his doctors. At that moment, Nick would have taken any pill, gone to any lengths to quiet the panic and desperation in his soul. He just wanted to collapse again and not get back up. He wanted to scratch at his wrist with anything sharp. He wanted to scrape at the name "Paris" on his flesh until it bled and bled and then would not stop bleeding.
"Before you collapsed Nick, you said "I don't want to fail." What did u mean by that?" Dr. Belkin enquired as Dr. Bale loosened his hold on Nick. He could feel Nick shivering and jerking in his arms from his crying and his breathing. Again Nick struggled to answer. "Tell me what it is you don't want to fail in?" Dr. Belkin re-worded.
"I don't want to be a bad person…" Nick began listing. "…I don't want to be a failed musician; I want our album to do well…" Nick coughed here before continuing. "…I don't want to never have a girlfriend again, or be a bad boyfriend…" Nick cried harder. He believed he was all the things that were told to him. Critics called his band "out-dated" and "forgotten" and Paris had called him a "disgusting pig." All the negative comments he had received were flooding to him, and chattering to him in his head. He recalled fans calling him "fat" and "flabby" and he remembered trying to lose some weight. He ended up being too skinny, and the fans had called him "too thin." It was like he could never please himself and everyone else. He wanted to live for himself, but didn't want to trample on the feelings of others and not care.
Dr. Belkin had scribbled down Nick's responses and decided to address each issue in the next session. He could see blatantly that Nick was worn out emotionally and questioning him more would be inhumane.
"Alright Nick…" He comforted. "…We'll leave it there for today shall we?" Nick nodded his head. "You just relax and eat perhaps…" Dr. Belkin encouraged, urging Dr. Bale to offer Nick the plate of food again. Nick took the plate, which had an English breakfast on it. The three sat in the room for another hour. Nick ate and talked with the two men as if they were friends of his, and not his doctors. They discussed football and basketball, and asked Nick about his new album. This triggered off the memory that Nick was actually recording today.
"What's the time?" He asked worriedly. The doctors both looked at their watches.
"Three-thirty." Dr. Belkin replied first. "Don't worry about your band mates, I called Brian…" Nick was confused. He wondered how he had Brian's number. "Before you ask, Brian gave me his cell phone number for emergencies, and I gave him a contact number for me." Great, Nick thought, now everyone has to make special arrangements to look after me…just perfect.
