No more anxiety attacks perhaps. Nick ran his hands through his hair. "You can get a hair cut." He said to himself, laughing inside his head feeling his too long hair.
AJ sat comfortably, as if he was merely passing the time. He played with one of the rings on his fingers as he waited. Nick interrupted his blissful quiet.
"I heard what you guys said yesterday." Nick confessed.
"I wasn't asleep." AJ was quiet for a moment or two while he thought of what to say. When the perfect answer popped into his head, Nick was called into the other room. Nick looked at AJ rather worried, like a child going into the dentist knowing that they'll have to have a filling. He looked for reassurance.
"We care about you man." AJ confessed into Nick's fragile, blue eyes. "We want you happy, healthy…" AJ listed. "That's why you gotta be strong and go and do this." He encouraged and Nick looked even more scared. He was about to leave the last eight months behind him.
It was like going to your own re-birth, and he didn't know if he was ready for it. He wanted the anxiety attacks to cease, and for him to be able to have fun again. But he was scared that those were false hopes that were never going to arrive. "If you do this, this small thing, you can conquer the big things. It all starts here Nick." He explained and tapped him on the back encouraging. "I know you can do this." Nick didn't say anything, nor move. He just looked at AJ for a few moments. This was his companion, his buddy, his band mate-if he had AJ behind him, and the other four guys in spirit-he could combat anything. He hugged AJ, wrapping his arms around him tightly.
AJ had not expected this at all, but hugged Nick in the hope that it would boost his confidence. "Go." AJ encouraged and Nick got up and followed the gentleman into the other room, leaving AJ with the receptionist. Nick sat down and watched intently and nervously as the tattoo artist prepared his tools. Nick felt the beads of sweat on his temples. He was anxious, but he refused to give in. If he was going to vomit for the rest of the day so be it, but he was going to do this. "If you do this, this small thing, you can conquer the big things…" AJ's voice rang in his mind, and became his motivation. "I know you can do this." Nick heard the hum of the needle and participated in the small-talk with this inconsequential stranger- even this could not make him relax. He felt the muscles under his shoulder blades ache with tenseness. They were rigid and painful.
Nick couldn't let himself down, but more importantly he couldn't let AJ down….Nick felt the shock of the piercing of the needle in his skin… he couldn't let Brian down… Nick turned his head away so he didn't have to watch….he couldn't let Howie down….Tears built up in his eyes, as he remembered his love for Paris and the smell of her hair…he couldn't let Kevin down….He closed his eyes and sobbed without moving a muscle, wishing it all away….he couldn't let himself down, as "Here Without You" by Three Doors Down played in his head over and over again. The pain in his wrist made Nick see the parallel between it, and his emotional pain. Pain is temporary he told himself, as he bit his bottom lip, and thought of the optimism he was so sure would come, not but five minutes ago. His face creased unhappily under the pressure of his unhappiness and tears. He saw Leighanne's tears for him, and Baylee's grin. He saw Brian and AJ and Howie and Kevin- he held tightly onto the image of his friends, and would not let go, as if his life depended on it. He was scared the new tattoo would mean nothing to him, and would just cover up his feelings-but he supposed that was in fact the message he wanted to remind himself of- "old habits die hard."
