"Up until then, no, it was fine. It was my dreams that triggered it." Nick explained as he scratched an itchy foot, as he sat cross- legged on his bed, the noise of New York filtering in through the open window.
"What did you dream about?" Dr. Belkin asked, getting a new piece of paper to scribble on. He had next to him, the piece of paper with Nick's "issues" on it-the ones he had listed when he was crying in his office. He was contemplating whether or not to bring these up, while he listened to Nick describe his dreams- the talent to
multitask was essential in psychiatry. When Nick mentioned the words "Heather" and "Aaron" Dr. Belkin scribbled those down on this separate piece of paper, trying to shape in his own mind why Nick found them both so important.
"Tell me about Aaron." Dr. Belkin began, relaxing back in his chair.
"My brother is going through a rough time…" Nick described, reminding himself of his brother's smiling face at the airport. "He has been self-harming, and came to see with me for a couple of days."
"How do you feel about your brother's self-harming?" Dr. Belkin asked, noting a few possible emotions to emerge here.
"I was angry at first, because I don't agree with it. But my brother is young, he's just trying to find a way to cope, so I comforted him and supported him the best I could…" Nick expressed.
"Has he gone back home now?"
"Yeah he's gone back to Florida."
Dr. Belkin scribbled some notes silently.
"Oh by the way…" Nick mentioned, as his "Old Habits Die Hard" tattoo called to him. "I got the "Paris" tattoo covered." Nick smiled looking at his wrist. "Paris you haven't beat me"-he thought to himself proudly. It was not everyday Nick could be happy about his achievements recently.
"That's great news." Dr. Belkin concluded-this was clear evidence that Nick was moving on, he looked at the name Heather on the piece of paper he was now doodling on.
"So, what's going on with Heather?" Dr. Belkin asked bluntly, again referring to previous notes on Heather from Nick's previous session. He waited in silence as Nick hesitated- biting his top lip in thought and ambivalence, until he thought he tasted the iron in his blood and stopped. His heart was sinking as the feelings he wished were gone returned-foreboding and dread, and this time danger. His intuition was whirling around like the point on a compass, dragged by a magnetic field, spinning and spinning and spinning and…-
"You still there, Nick?" Dr. Belkin asked as Nick was snapped out of his illusion.
"Yeah I'm still here." He added, coughing once. "Heather's boyfriend found out, and he-" Nick paused, which alerted Dr. Belkin's worry. "- He hit her." He confessed.
"Just because you kissed her?" Dr. Belkin asked. He was as appalled as Nick had been when he found out. He was also concerned whether Nick was socialising with the right type of people-the people who could help him get better. Nick nearly hallucinated being back on his sofa, sleepy but becoming increasingly awake as Heather relayed her story-it haunted him.
"Yeah." Nick said back, his attention turned to the window by shouting outside. New York noise he thought again. "She called me, and I went to stay the night with her…" Nick trailed off knowing how he would sound. He was getting paranoid and fidgety-well more restless than normal. He didn't want Dr. Belkin to simply think he was a spoilt, pop star who slept around with vulnerable women- Nick tried not to be so hard on himself and the life he leads.
"Did you sleep with her?" Dr. Belkin asked. It was an innocent question which Nick took the wrong way.
"You mean did I have sex with her?" Nick said with his voiced raised, rising up from the bed. He was getting agitated and faint. He had stood up too quickly.
"It's alright…" Dr. Belkin said soothingly. "…I'm not trying to offend you." But he didn't retract his question, he simply waited. This angered Nick-what did it matter? He hadn't had sex with her, but they were meant to be talking about him, not her.
"I didn't have sex with her." He finally admitted, and remarkably Dr. Belkin believed him.
"Did you want to have sex with her?" Dr. Belkin asked.
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!" Nick yelled down the phone. He kicked his hold-all bag sending it flying across the room and hitting his suitcase, which reminded him- he needed to unpack.
"I'm trying to establish what feelings you have for Heather, why she is so important in your life…" Dr. Belkin explained.
Nick had had enough of therapy, he realised why some people are driven further down the road of madness by the therapy they were forced to go to. This was slightly different though, he could stop it at any time, but he needed it. He hated this fact.
"Yeah I think I do have feelings for her. Are you happy now?" Nick spat spitefully down the phone.
"Are you?" Dr. Belkin asked.
Nick slammed down the phone, gripping hold of whatever self-restraint he had left not to throw the phone across the room. His temper rose through him like a fire engulfing a house-quick and damaging. Nick lay down on the bed trying to calm himself down. His blood was pumping through his head, making a whipping noise in his ears, like helicopter propellers. He wanted the noise to go away; he wanted the noise to go away. Down in the hotel restaurant, Brian got up from the table to answer his ringing cell phone. He walked out into the lobby and answered it, hoping it would be Leighanne whom he missed incredibly already. He stopped rigid in his steps when he heard Dr. Belkin on the other end of the phone.
"Is that Brian Litterell?" Dr. Belkin asked, reading his surname from a rolodex card.
"Yes it is-How are you Dr. Belkin?" Brian asked politely, worried that something had happened to Nick, but his mind was pointed in the direction of disappointment, but he didn't know why.
"I'm fine thank you. I've just been on the phone with Nick. How is he doing?" Dr. Belkin enquired.
"I'm confused…" Brian confessed, putting one hand in his pocket "The session we just had didn't go well…" Brian listened as Dr. Belkin explained, he closed his eyes and prayed that Nick would eventually stop being childish and keep his temper. Brian listened intently for ten or so minutes, before Dr. Belkin left him to continue his dinner. Brian sat firmly down in his seat, and was shocked to see that Nick had arrived and was sat next to AJ, and was already on his second beer. Nick's eyes were clearly red. Brian stared at him, but decided to say nothing until after his dinner.
