3/8/2004,
Dear Diary,
...However things are not completely peachy. Across is a clipping from yesterday's newspaper (The Daily Mirror)-and yes that is my Nick crying. Paris has not only broken his heart but accused him of beating her. I have seen her bruises, but to my horror I have seen Nick's bruises too. We read a book in year nine (a school year here in the UK) called "Dear Nobody." A teenager-about 18 years old- falls pregnant and writes letters to her unborn child. Anyway I remember at one point she says something like: "I don't want all this pain touching you." And that's the exact words that flash through my mind when I look at this picture. He's a full grown man and it's a naïve concept to believe that I can protect him in any way, shape or form. Although naïve, I can't help but want to give him as much strength as I can without collapsing myself. I feel strangely close to Nick at this moment in time. Maybe because I am hurting over loving someone who is not right for me too- in pain because although I love (this person), I can't stay and watch him rip my life to shreds. Even Nick has admitted that he couldn't trust her, but I know how hard it is to let go of something you don't want to, but have to. In the words of Faith Hill "I always saw in you, my light, my strength…" but now that he has no strength, and he can't find it in me- that hurts me too…I want to dream about Nick tonight, I want to see him smile…"
What you have just read was the majority of my inspiration for "Climbing the Walls." I scribbled the first two chapters in a 20 minute spurt of writing, after suffering from writers block and not being able to continue with my other novels. I was thrilled that I had written something, anything-even if, as it was at the time, nothing-just gibberish about Nick and AJ. I then began thinking though. I had never written a fan fiction, and since I found myself not being able to concentrate on anything but my five Backstreet Boys, "Climbing the Walls" was born. Little did I know I was going to invest about two straight months of my life, and a total of 87 A4 pages! I improvised 90% of it all, for example when Nick and the boys were at the restaurant, I began the chapter not knowing he was going to collapse. I began the next chapter not knowing that it had been a near fatal incident. I went day, by day, page by page, word by word with this and have enjoyed every minute of entertaining you guys. I knew I was going to include Nick and Paris' break up, so I dug out my diaries-I keep them in a shoe box on a shelf-and I found that entry with the picture of Nick covering his face, crying, when the paparazzi harassed him and Kevin-this was of course, one of my chapters. You can actually find that picture on Not-like-you.com I believe-look at the scans, I'm certain I saw it there somewhere.
I wanted to take this time to explain why I wrote "Climbing the Walls" and in all simplicity, I wanted everyone who read it, to feel as close to Nick, as I had done the night that I wrote that diary entry. I wanted all of you, to feel Nick in your arms as he cried. I wanted everyone to relate to him on a new, off-the-pedestal way. If I have done that, then I have achieved all that I could have dreamed of for this fan fiction.
I also wanted to thank some people for being such hardcore readers, and supporters and advisers, so here's a little list: Heather: You were so supportive and positive with this project of mine; I can't thank you enough for reading and writing to me always. Oh and thank you for the use of your name! lol! You have been wonderful, and because of our fan fictions we are now friends, and I am very happy about that. Inna: Thank you so much for the opportunity to have my fan fiction hosted on a website. I love your little website and am honoured that my writing is on there. Thank you so much for being a supporter and a reader. Her fan site is this: Marloes de Krom & Martina: You guys may not know each other but you are together for a reason. Your continual constructive criticism influenced "Climbing the Walls" more than you will ever realise. It was productive and informative and supportive. Your long and in depth comments made me think in detail about what I was writing and why. It's been a real pleasure discussing writing with you two! Kelly: Thank you for keeping such a keen interest in my fan fiction and always sending wonderful, emotional feedback! Anna F: As with Kelly, thank you so much for maintaining an interest and a passion for my story and always sending feedback to me. Dianne: Thank you for being so supportive and encouraging about this story. I was nervous with it at first but you really helped me overcome that with your encouragement and your feedback, so thank you. Michelle: Thank you so much for sharing "I'll never forget you" with me when it was in it's first stages, it was an honour. Thank you so much for being so supportive with "Climbing the Walls" it has really meant a lot. Also, a massive thank you to Ashley Parker, Elyssa Oslick, Kimberly Church, Kelly Oram, Suzie and Teresa!! You guys have been wonderful and I can't thank you enough for your involvement. I want to thank every yahoo group that encouraged me-ProjectBackstreet, Bakstreetwritersblock and so many more-thank you! I'm not sure if I will write another fan fiction, as I don't think any level of planning could induced the creativity and the blood and the sweat and the tears I ended up giving to "Climbing the Walls" but I will definitely think about it! Remember to KTBSPA always!! Lots of love,
Rachael Pilson-Wood xxxx PS: For Nick: "I wish I could find you, just like you found me, then I would never let you go"- "I still"-Backstreet Boys "I'd give up forever to touch you, as I know that you feel me somehow…" –"Iris"-Goo Goo Dolls
