"Yay!" Kyra expressed playfully, approaching him and helping him to balance the boxes on the counter. She was very hungry and looking forward to sinking her teeth into a large slice of pepperoni pizza. She organised three plates as Nick began to divide up the pizza. Kyra had made herself comfortable with her pizza on her bed, after putting a DVD into the Playstation for them to watch as they ate. Nick had taken some pizza to the driver in case he got hungry. He also apologised for the burning pancakes earlier in the evening. Nick returned clutching his own pizza and sat closely next to her, so their legs were brushing up against each others. Already in her pyjamas Nick's jeans brushed her bare skin and this sent tingles through him. His mind told him to get a grip, whereas his body reminded him that he hadn't had sex in a while. His heart ended the quarrelling between the two-whatever this was with Kyra was more than sexual and more than spiritual, and for that reason, he would be patient. He told his elements to shut up for the night.
"What are we watching?" Nick enquired taking a bite of his pizza.
"City of Angels." She replied, and Nick gulped his food down, not really wanting to watch this film ever again. She picked up on his discontent. "You don't wanna watch it? We don't have to watch it…" She insisted putting her plate down on the duvet and heading towards the Playstation.
"No, it's ok…" Nick said touching the back of her thigh briefly with his finger tips to get her to turn to him. "…Honestly it's ok Kyra….come sit back down…" He said holding out his hand to her. She took it and sat down, wondering why "City of Angels" made him so uncomfortable. Yes, she acknowledged, it's a chick flick, but he had chosen last night, so she decided that it was her turn.
"Are you sure?" She persisted and he forced a smile, which she believed was genuine-the practise of posing with a believable smile in front of cameras and fans was something Nick valued heavily.
"Yes." He replied continuing to eat. She watched happily and ate her pizza, occasionally commenting on quotes she liked, and Nicholas Cage's acting. Nick began biting his nails once he had finished his pizza. He could no longer hide behind his food. His mind taunted him, and he was disappointed- he thought he was done with it this time round but clearly he wasn't. He would be well when simple things like a film wouldn't set off his pain. It was a lovely little film, spoiled by heartache. He shut his eyes momentarily, feeling tired. His mind was filled with the image of kissing Heather on his sofa at home after watching this DVD, and the way she cuddled close to him…His thoughts were interrupted when Kyra leant on him the way she had grown accustomed to. His mind was flooded with memories, now feeling the sensation of a woman next to him. Kyra had put his sweater jacket back on again because she had been cold. Nick tried desperately not to go over the edge though suffering his flash backs. With the good comes the bad…the sweet and the sour Nick determined as his happier memories of Heather were poisoned by the treacherous ones. Nick bit his bottom lip to fight off tears and his chest restricting when he heard a familiar song… "Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release…" "Kyra…" Nick whimpered as his chest tightened, her arms around him now. He was happy to have her in his embrace, but he didn't want her to see him like this. He needed to escape this. He peeled her gently from him, as he tried to tell himself to relax.
"Are you ok?" She said sounding concerned as he stood up and shakily took some water from the mini fridge.
"Yeah I'm fine, I just need to go to bed…" He said slowly but fluently. He hurried down the bus as quick as he could, feeling his attack take hold with Heather's voice running around his head. He locked himself in his bedroom and began breathing inconsistently but quietly. He lay down and tried to tell himself to calm down. How was he ever going to explain this? He panicked, which increased the pain in his chest. He moaned out loud feeling a stab of pain unlike he had ever felt before.
"Nick?" He heard Kyra asked gently through the door. His tears built up in his eyes, but he told himself to concentrate on her voice, maybe she could get him through this. "Are you ok?" She asked, her head resting gently against the door trying to hear if he was ok.
"I'm fine Kyra, honestly…" He tried his best to speak normally, but he imagined she would detect something in his broken and stuttering speech.
"Are you sure? Can I get you anything?" She asked again, knowing deep in her soul that something ill was going on behind the door in front of her. It was not however, her place to totally invade his privacy, unless he wanted her to.
"You can do something for me…" Nick suggested and she agreed wanting to do anything she could to help him. "…Climb into bed and finish "City of Angels" and then go to sleep…and I'll see you in the morning." He said labouredly and as loud as he could with his wind pipe closing and opening on its own accord.
"Ok…" Kyra reasoned, gathering that he probably needed to be alone right now, for whatever reason. "Nick?" She asked one final time.
"Yes, Kyra…" Nick whispered clutching at his chest but feeling perhaps the worst was over. "Goodnight Nick." She said before walking back over to her bed and huddling down in it. She was frightened-frightened that something was happening to him that she couldn't help with or fix. She cuddled up and prayed in the light of the TV glow that the Lord would help him.
Sprawled out flat on his back on his bed, Nick began to feel calm wash over him, although his silent tears kept flowing. "No, no, no…" Nick whispered to himself. He was scared like Kyra had been, scared that this was never going to be fixed, and that he would be suffering his entire life. The need to feel the numbness felt when the sharp steel of the kitchen knife crossed his flesh overwhelmed him. He began thinking in the same way and this increased his tears. He couldn't do it again, he wouldn't do it again, he tried to convince himself, but the darkness was taunting and cruel. The tour bus walls were watching him and reminding him of his self-harm attempt in this bus not long ago. He turned and sat up to look at the clock on his cell phone. It was 2:43 am now. How long have I been here? Nick asked himself. After another half an hour of tortured tossing and turning, he got up in search of a knife. He opened the door and was greeted by further darkness. He tried to navigate through the darkness, but felt lost until he reached the window in which he looked out of the night he self-harmed, alone and feeling cold. He stood momentarily in a daze staring out and yet another road, on route to yet another place. The familiar orange glow filled the room temporarily, illuminating Kyra's sleeping frame behind him in the window. He sighed as the image of her disappeared. He turned around to see her, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. "So serene and so peaceful…" Nick thought as he kneeled down next to her. The only sound he could hear was the muted murmur of the street and the bus, and Kyra's beautiful breathing. He brushed her cheek lightly with his hand and she moaned lowly in her dreaming, adjusting to the feeling of his hand. He spotted her cell phone and read the time again. It was 3:18 am now. "It was 3:18 am when I realised I love her…" Nick confessed with a small smile to Dr. Belkin on the phone four days later. He was lying on his back in the arena in Chicago; he looked up at the tall ceiling and felt the cold stone against his back as he laid in- between seats, out of sight out of mind. His late night experience with Kyra had made this decision for him. He found Dr. Belkin's number and decided to call him, to confess everything. He had been on the phone for two hours, and he wondered why his band mates weren't looking for him-he smirked at this thought, feeling as free as he had felt in a long time, now having gotten so much off his chest.
"But you've only known this girl a few weeks?" Dr. Belkin asked enquiringly, pulling Nick's file out from a filing cabinet, dusting off the cover and opening it up to reveal his notes and diagnosis details for Nick.
"Yeah I know and it's totally crazy, and I'm more than a little frightened but I just knew…you know how you just know some things sometimes?" Nick asked optimistically.
"Sure." Dr. Belkin replied trying not to destroy nor accentuate Nick's infatuation with this girl. They had agreed that Nick would FedEx a copy of Kyra's story to L.A so he could analyse it.
"…Also, a copy of the drawing if you wouldn't mind…" Dr. Belkin asked gently, not knowing whether Nick would be happy to share it. "… Only if you're comfortable with that though, Nick…I know some artists don't like their work shared, and that's ok…"
"Oh no, that's fine don't worry…" Nick agreed to that also. The photo copier wouldn't harm it would it? Nick thought. Unable to sleep that night, Nick turned on a lamp and found a plain piece of a paper, a pencil and something to lean on. He positioned himself on the floor at Kyra's level and drew her while she was sleeping. Her peaceful body was too beautiful not to draw. Nick hadn't picked up a pencil or pen seriously in a long time, and Dr. Belkin believed this was definitely significant. Nick drew Kyra until the dawn spread along her face as the sun rose through the bus windows. He then felt tired and calm enough to sleep. He had expressed the passionate feelings he had confessed to himself earlier that morning into a drawing he was very proud of. He slept for a few hours, until Kyra woke him with some cereal saying Brian had already called twice telling him to get out of bed. Kyra did not pry into the events of the night before, but merely asked if he was ok. He smiled widely and said he was better than he had been at anytime in his life.
