"Oh yeah…" He said, remembering he hadn't told them. "…The whole hotel is fully booked so you guys are gonna have to put up with a double bed…" Nick's heart leapt from his chest, skipping a few beats on the way. Even quiet and laced with sorrow, she was still beautiful. Nick decided to be a gentleman.
"Well, could we not swap with one of the other guys…?" Nick suggested, but Mark looked as if he wasn't going to be able to deliver-he shook his head silently.
"Its fine, Nick." Kyra said softly, now perched on the side of the large bed, not wanting the fuss.
"Ok, Mark don't worry about it, I'll sleep on the sofa…" Nick said quietly to Mark.
"Jesus, Nick…" Kyra said aggressively, rising from the bed. "…We can sleep in the bed, it's not a big deal-I am not a child." She insisted as she walked towards the bathroom and slammed the door. Nick and Mark both sighed awkwardly-the tension in the room affecting them both.
"Her grandfather died today." Nick whispered as quietly as he could so Kyra wouldn't hear that he was disclosing personal information to a near stranger to her. Mark nodded understandingly and told Nick he would be speaking to him later. He left, leaving Nick alone in this room. He wished Kyra would come back. He was tormented by her silent suffering as much as she was. He sighed out loud, and stretched, trying to relax and feel less on edge. He slipped off his shoes and took a look out of the window. He tossed a glance over to Kyra when she re-entered the room silently. She opened her holdall bag and began rooting through it, eventually producing facial wipes to remove her make-up. She was concentrating on this using the mirror when she noticed Nick grip his jeans pocket.
Nick felt his phone vibrating and pulled it out. He read "Dr. Belkin" on the screen and excused himself from the room. He answered it out in the corridor, once he knew the door was securely closed. "Hey Doctor." Nick greeted, leaning up against the wall and relaxing- this was the release he needed.
"Hi Nick-how are you doing?" Dr. Belkin asked routinely from his office-his phone on speaker as he jotted notes leisurely, relaxing in his therapy chair.
"Up and down in all honesty." Nick confessed openly. He was beginning to feel use to opening up again, and the sensation was redemptive every time.
"Oh really?" Dr. Belkin enquired. "What's been going on? Anymore attacks since last time we spoke?"
"No, not since the last time we spoke. Kyra's had some bad news today and she had a panic attack, and it's kinda freaked me out…" Nick described. "…I was helpless and I couldn't help her…" Nick felt himself grow choked up; thankful at least his true feelings were being drawn forward.
"So, what was her bad news?" Dr. Belkin asked sensitively. "Oh, her grandfather died today, and she's very shaken up about it…" "And she experienced her own attack which made you feel negatively…" Dr. Belkin edged.
"Yeah, I just…" Nick halted trying to find his words. "…I wanted to help her. I wanted to grab her soul which must be degraded by these attacks and tell her it was all going to be ok…"
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her there were still beautiful things in the world…" Nick whispered. "…I would have told her I love her, but I thought that would stress her out. I also didn't want her to remember the time I told her being on the same day her grandfather died…"
"I understand…" Dr. Belkin agreed as he conjured up the best advice for Nick. "…I'm sure she's been a little edgy and upset with you after her attack…?" Dr. Belkin wanted to confirm. Nick was surprised how accurate his judgment had been.
"Yeah, a little." Nick told him, hoping advice would be forthcoming. "I think the best thing is just to ignore this negative side of her, she doesn't mean it, and she won't be holding anything personal against you. She's probably just caught up in grief and insecurity…"
"What does she have to feel insecure about?" Nick interrupted quickly, understanding everything up until that point-they were friends, she didn't have to hide anything from him.
"Well, she's never confessed to attacks or problems or anything like that-she's probably insecure over how you see her now. This is a big change for her…" Nick continued to listen as he saw Brian and Leighanne emerge from a room further down the hall. "…she's getting to know the real you, and not the one in interviews, and posters etc. She doesn't want you to be critical of her, like she isn't being with you…" Brian and Leighanne waved and Nick waved back. They began to walk towards him.
"No, she's been great-she's welcomed everything about me with open arms."
"See?" Dr. Belkin said happily, knowing that Nick was seeing the bigger picture now. "You have to show her you're doing the same…" Dr. Belkin suggested.
"How do I do that?" Nick asked swiftly, getting ready to cut their conversation short as Brian and Leighanne drew closer.
"Well, Nick, maybe its confession time for you. She's bared her darkest secret against her will-she's probably in search of some comfort." Nick nodded silently in agreement. "If you confess to the same problem, you're empathising with her. I also think it would be good for you to finally be honest with people, Nick. They won't judge you." Nick sighed nervously-the thought of telling others about his renewed attacks didn't help his mood. "Start small." Dr. Belkin instructed. "Start with Kyra."
"Ok, thanks man, I'll try that." Nick said as Brian and Leighanne reached him. "Listen, I gotta go, I'll call you tomorrow ok?" Nick said quickly. "Ok, bye." Nick hung up the phone and slipped it back into his pocket, knowing what he had to do.
"Who was on the phone?" Brian asked cheerily, holding his wife's hand.
"Erm…" Nick hesitated- was he going to lie? He remembered Dr. Belkin's words…"They won't judge you." Nick had decided. "…Dr. Belkin." Inside Brian was jumping for joy, but decided not to make a big deal out of it. Nick looked at Leighanne who smiled warmly at him-he knew this was making them very happy.
"Oh ok cool." Brian said with a smile before swiftly changing the subject. "So, we're going to all go down for dinner, are you guys coming?"
"Actually…" Nick began staring at his own hotel room door. "…Kyra had some bad news today-that's why we were late. Her grandfather died today." Brian and Leighanne gasped and sighed in shock and sympathy. "She's really messed up, I think I'll order us some room service and just have a quiet night." Brian nodded.
"Well send her our love." Leighanne insisted and Nick agreed. She also asked since he was staying to check in on a sleeping Baylee who was down for the night. Nick hadn't realised it was 10 o'clock already. They parted ways and Nick took a deep breath before allowing himself back into his room. Kyra was sat on the edge of the bed crying.
"Nick, I'm so sorry…" She said, her tears muting her speech. Nick approached her and embraced her warmly.
"It's ok, I knew it wasn't personal, you're upset…" Nick told her. "But it should be no excuse…" She persisted but Nick shook his head at her.
"I'm a Carter, I'm tough…" Nick joked playfully which was rewarded by a half-smile from Kyra through her tears. He kissed her forehead gently, soothing her down to her aching soul. "How about…" Nick began, feeling his tummy rumbling. "…We order room service, and a whole bunch of ice cream." He suggested, which made Kyra giggle before wiping her tears. She nodded in agreement, and Nick headed for the menu. "I can't believe it…" Kyra expressed as she and Nick sat together with two spoons happily devouring one tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. It was midnight and Nick had confessed all…well nearly all, Nick reminded himself as he eyed the wrist band he never removed. She was overwhelmed by everything Nick had bestowed upon her, but she was happy; this proved that he trusted her and cared enough about her to confess his most private secrets, to let her know she was not alone. "…I've suffered on and off pretty much ever since I was sixteen…" She said openly, slipping another clump of cold ice cream into her mouth, elegantly sliding the spoon back out from her mouth. Nick watched her and swallowed intensely, feeling desire grip him.
"Me, only recently…" He said, feeling his tummy tighten slightly- enough ice cream he thought. "I am actually also, Lactose Intolerant." Nick said giving up his spoon for the night. "Oh really?" She said surprised as he managed to have quite a bit of ice cream before complaining of a few minor cramps. Nick nodded and took a sip of water from a nearby glass.
"My anxiety attacks have been worse this time…" Nick confessed, ready to remove his wristband for the first time. This was more than just confessing to Kyra, this was confessing to himself-he could no longer hide behind the wristband. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Nick told himself in an attempt at comfort. Kyra noticed him grow sombre and serious. She could see dark skies brewing in the blue of his eyes; she could see a storm coming. She put down her own ice cream spoon and moved the tub away so there was nothing between them. "…They can make me really depressed…" He began quietly, tugging gently at the fabric on his wrist; she barely noticed as she was so entranced by his stormy eyes-they were unlike she had ever seen them. "…There was a point where, I didn't think there was anything on this planet worth living for…" He pulled his wristband off and discarded it. He offered his wrist to her-the thin, healing scar could say more than any of his words. Nick registered her stunned expression. She gently held his wrist with one hand. She let the fingers on her spare hand wander freely over this harsh mark, on such wonderful skin, she thought to herself. Nick was amazed she could be so tender over something so violent and cruel.
His anxieties began to plague him. "…It wasn't an attention thing; it wasn't a cry for help…well maybe it was…" Nick confessed as she continued to observe his wrist. "…I started saying my goodbyes in the darkness…" Nick began to describe as vividly as his memory recalled. "…But, I wasn't brave enough to cut it deep enough…" Nick sighed heavily, and she noted he was struggling to relive it. She looked up to him, and met his eyes in a gaze that told him she was there, and he was safe in her company. "…I grew drowsy but I knew I wasn't dying." He said bluntly, remembering her story and how important it had become to him. He remembered finding it and was surprised to find that he was thankful to be alive. "I stumbled back and collapsed but felt something under my hand, so I gripped it. You know what it was?" Nick asked, but she simply shook her head-her heart denying her words for the time being. "Your story." Nick watched her eyes immediately grow wider when he had confessed that. Nick let the floor gates open. "I read it anytime I felt alone, or felt sad, because that way I didn't think I was alone or sad, I was with you…" He looked down as he began to blush. He also began to feel tears clutter his eyes-oh Lord, he didn't want to cry in front of her-he didn't want her to think any less of him.
"But you didn't know me then…" Kyra said astounded that he had managed to feel so connected to her without ever seeing her picture, or hearing her voice.
"It didn't matter…" Nick said trying his best not to sob. "…Your story saved my life." He said locking her gaze; she saw lightning pass by his eyes. "It was my safe haven, it was my heaven…" He confessed bringing his hands to cover his face as he couldn't force back tears anymore. She removed his hands so he was bare to her-she wanted to see the rain pour down from the clouds in his eyes. "I found the story." She whispered to him, not feeling shocked or scared by his tears-she felt strangely close to him, and wanted to take the opportunity to comfort him; her own pain was temporarily banished. He looked at her to ask where and when she had found it. "It was the night I tried to make pancakes…" Nick smiled briefly at the recollection. "…I had spilt the syrup and had to clean it up. I discovered it under some magazines and papers. I was surprised to see you had kept it…" She confessed, overwhelmed that her story had helped him in anyway, shape or form.
"Of course I kept it…It reminded me…" He whispered, trailing off, no longer sobbing.
"…that there was still beauty in the world…" She finished smiling slightly truly amazed and bewitched by him. He raised his hand and held her cheek. She closed her eyes comfortable at the feeling of his touch. She re-opened her eyes when she felt him gently grasp her other cheek. He looked in her eyes one, final time before allowing his eyes to close and his head to move forward to hers. She immediately held her breath feeling anticipation flow through her quickly. Nick trembled when his lips brushed hers ever so slightly- they sprang apart in fright when their hotel room phone rang loudly, piercing the relaxing silence. Kyra was closer, so she reached for it. Nick got up to open the window in their room.
"Hello?" Kyra answered politely. Nick watched as her face sank. "Hi Mom…" Kyra started with flashing troubled eyes at Nick who pointed to the door, indicated that he would leave to give her some privacy but she shook her head. He mouthed "Baylee" to her and she nodded, knowing that the child needed checking on.
Nick escaped down the corridor quietly recovering from their tense filled moment. He was surprised to find he didn't feel empty inside. After all his confessions, he felt enriched. He was no longer ashamed. He was human like she was, like his band-mates were, and it was this he could finally understand-he felt calmed. He quietly opened the door to the Littrell's room, the light from the corridor peering in and shining mutely on a sleeping Baylee, curled up happily in his parents' large bed. Nick sighed and let a smile creep across his face. He truly believed then that there were still beautiful things in the world-this beautiful little boy, his developing friendship with Kyra, the comradeship between him and his band mates, the God-given opportunity to touch people's lives-it was this of course which had brought Kyra into his life. He said a little prayer of thanks and kissed Baylee's warm cheek goodnight and left the room silently. It was 1:23 am when Nick joined Kyra in their double bed. She had spent an hour on the phone to her mother discussing funeral plans and other things which had broken Kyra's heart. Nick stood silent most of the time she was on the phone, hearing the aching of her breaking heart; he had never been more desperate to make noise, to drown out the sound. Kyra had to make an awful choice-fly home for the funeral and give-up the rest of her time here, or stay and miss the funeral. She was tightly curled up on the right side of the large, welcoming bed facing away from Nick. She was sobbing and her head was sore. Nick laid on his back in the darkness, feeling his mind silent and his body yearning. He shifted his head to look over at her. He heard her sob and closed his eyes-he didn't want her to be upset, he wanted her to be peaceful enough to sleep and dream happily.
Kyra heard and felt him move around in the bed next to her. She released the covers from her tight grip so he could move freely. She didn't stir when she felt his strong arms wrap around her until she absorbed his love and comfort. He rested his head on hers briefly, until she turned to her left partially so she could look up at him. His eyes still shined, even in the darkness. Nick licked his lips lightly before leaning into her, no longer being able to wait for their first kiss. She closed her eyes and welcomed his moist lips onto hers, feeling the satisfying sensation of his lips finally. Nick's entire body yearned and ached in pleasure, forcing him to whisper a quiet moan during their lingering kiss. He looked down at her and was caught the light in her eyes-he could see passion flooding into them. But, he decided she was too fragile to be confusing her with all this-especially when within the next few days she needed to decide whether she was going to stay or go. He didn't want to make that decision harder because of him. He kissed her forehead lightly, and she turned back to the right, allowing him to embrace her fully again. Nick had never had anyone fit so comfortably in his arms before, but this didn't surprise him-the two fitted together as if they were meant to be fitted for their entire lives; he didn't question this.
"Kyra?" Nick whispered, resting his head onto hers, near her ear, wanting to ask a question that had played on his mind.
"Yes?" She replied sleepily, pulling his arms gently, so they were tighter around her.
"If you hadn't had to have the song by Fall Out Boy on the radio in your story, which one would you have picked instead?" Nick asked out of curiosity and a romantic idea. She sighed in slumber and Nick assumed she was falling asleep.
"Could it be any harder…" She said sleepily. "The Calling." She whispered to him. Nick kissed her cheek as if to say thank-you. He held tightly to her until his muscles relaxed him to sleep, and he dreamt, like she, of all the beautiful things still left in the world.
