After seeing a small MTV News clip discussing his crash with Heather, they showed a picture of her and he, for the first time in nearly a year, collapsed and fell and had a panic attack- He now did not what to move from his sofa.
Even after a strong set of pain killers and a professional massage after his accident, Nick was given a week off rehearsals to get better from his whiplash, but he now wished he hadn't been excluded, so he could be with his band mates and not have to think of her- two days was still a long time until he could be back with the guys. It was clear to Nick that he was still recovering from the shock of seeing Heather, the shock that she was getting married, and the shock that he still thought she was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen. This thought irritated him, and sat on top of the pile of stress already building in preparation for the tour. He wanted to hate her, but instead he hated himself, for not hating her. The vividness of his reoccurring dream was stronger now that he remembered everything-her piercing eyes, and seductive smell, the way her kisses made him weak. He shook these thoughts out of his head the moment he realised he was thinking them. Insecurity was beginning to taunt him again. "Why is she getting married when I'm still single?" Nick asked himself, assuming there was something wrong with him; the inadequacy choked him.
He told himself he needed to get up and not see this as defeat.
This was only one relapse in nearly a year-that wasn't that bad. But these comforting thoughts still did not prevent a tear drop down his cheek. He wiped it with the back of his hand slowly. He didn't want to go through this again-he had Dr. Belkin's number from a year ago, but he didn't want to call it. He didn't want his band mates to look down on him, or resent him for not being on top of his game for such a pivotal part in their careers. Nick sat up numbly and reached for the remote control, his eyes fixed but still not really seeing. He turned off the TV and sat for a moment in the blissful silence. He contemplated what he was going to do. He looked to the wall and saw a picture of himself and Brian, Kevin, Howie and AJ taken in the studio recording "Never Gone." He had put them through enough, and did not want to let them down, as everything seemed to be his fault.
He stood and approached this picture, along with a few others and let his numb eyes just stare at it. He raised his hand to the glass in an attempt to find some comfort in their presence. He was not going to tell them. He was not going to tell, anyone.
